My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
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The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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