Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
