So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I met the friendliest cop last night
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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