No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
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Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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