how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
