I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
