She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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