I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
