You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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