The maid of honor just puked.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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