He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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