Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
