That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
