Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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