girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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