Have you finally orgasmed yet?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
