Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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