I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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