we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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