Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
