I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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