I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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