Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
