He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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