Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
