Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Randomize
