ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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