I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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