I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
