I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
