someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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