The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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