I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
