I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
