I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
