I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So many bounce houses so little time
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
