Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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