I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I touched a dick in church today
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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