Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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