I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
