All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
