so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
