Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
