Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
