Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
