Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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