you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
