I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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