I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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