He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
