I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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