You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
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