She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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