I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
