what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize