I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
